no one ever said it would be this hard
current mood: tired
oh take me back to the start
No matter how many times I tell myself I don't regret anything, sometimes I wish we could go back to the time when it was all simple.
But there's the thing... it wasn't, really. I just hadn't been fully sucked into the complications. I keep thinking about the first few weeks of last term, and what I was thinking, and how it wasn't really a reflection of what was actually going on.
I almost think that by going back to when it was simple I want to go back to the time when I didn't care as much, when everything was safe. I sometimes suspect that at least one of the reasons I've avoided getting as close to anyone as I have now is because the idea of caring so much scares the hell out of me.
It's just... I don't know, weird. Like, in three weeks Neverwhere will all be over - which is a fucking scary thought in itself given that we've only had one week of rehearsals - and I keep thinking about the day we had the first meeting last summer. It doesn't seem any time at all, but everything's changed since then. Or maybe it's just that then I knew absolutely nothing of the complications. All I wanted was something in my life that wasn't SCAN.
And at the start of last term anything Neverwhere-related made me happy because it wasn't SCAN, or Liam, and I could forget about that. And now... it still isn't, but it's so much more complicated. When I was happy and enjoying myself last term I suspect sometimes other people weren't. And now I wonder, when we're all together, how much pretending we're all doing.
I pretend, because I have to. I might not want to, but if those are the terms on which I can have what I want I'll go along with it.
Then, of course, there's the fact that I seem to be stuck between SCAN and Theatre Group - two sets of people who seem to loathe each other and who both have claims on my time and my loyalty. (I'll never forget Liam bawling about Theatre Group down the phone to Ben 'Who is in charge of this crackpot organisation?!?' when he thought a Theatre Group commitment would stop Ben doing something he, Liam, wanted him to do for SCAN. I was having hysterics on the SCAN office sofa.)
On an organisational level, if it ever came to a choice, I would go with SCAN without a second thought.
On a personal level... I don't know.
And when they're not pulling me in separate directions they're horribly interconnected. Liam, for some reason I cannot possibly imagine, seems to take an intense interest in my relationship status and, on one recent occasion, started discussing it when he would perhaps have been better to remain silent. I was not actually there, though I almost wish I had been just to see the resulting awkwardness.
And yeah, I know, this doesn't make much sense, but it's about the only chance I've had to write any of it down lately. Sometimes writing stuff down helps me work out what I feel about it. I gave up my diary in December when I couldn't bring myself to write down that the guy I'd been seeing had finished with me, or why. And I've never got back into it (mainly because at the moment when I get into bed I am so tired all I want to do is go to sleep). So... yeah, pointless ramble ;-)





