I think something is going to change this weekend. I can feel it in my knees and my knuckles and the tips of my fingers, and in the way I can't sit still or concentrate for any length of time.

I think it might happen tonight.

I feel like Professor Trelawny in Harry Potter. You know, 'the thing you have been dreading will happen... whenever it happened.' Because I've been dreading it ever since I first began to suspect it was going to happen. At least when it's happened I'll know.

And given that my skills at surmising the states of people's relationships from Facebook appear to be incredibly sharp at the moment, it's going to happen sooner or later.

On which subject - but no. I won't go there, not now.

Not ever, if I've any sense.

SCAN has eaten my life. That is all there is to say about the last few weeks.

If I've learned anything in the past - oh, eighteen months or so, it's that things never turn out the way you expect them to. Like for example, this time last year I wouldn't have imagined for one minute that I would be appointed news editor. I have a maths degree and no experience writing news; not an ideal combination. But I was.

And I wouldn't have thought that, having been appointed, it'd take over my life to the extent it has - though there's the issue of how much I have allowed it to take over my life (comparing the way I am so insistent that other things - such as Guiding, for example - do not take over my life).

Because despite my best intentions - and things not turning out the way you expect them to - I spent a lot of time this summer doing SCAN stuff. Far more than I had imagined, or intended. I ask myself, if things had been different, would I still have done it? Would I still have wanted to do it? But the fact is that there are a lot of things that have happened to me since I made the decision to go back to university that led up to me writing for SCAN. It's hard to say that if something had been different I wouldn't have ended up getting as involved as I did.

And anyway, if your editor rings you up at half-nine in the evening, bouncing off his chair in excitement, to tell you that he's just got hold of the biggest story SCAN has had in years and you're the only person who can write it, you're not about to turn him down and tell him to go find someone else to do it. Not even if it means you spending an entire night in the office writing the damned thing.

I can only ever remember once spending an entire night without sleep - when I went to the Lord of the Rings trilogy showing. Even when I went to Disneyland I got some sleep. My experience has shown me that it isn't something I'm good at. I wasn't good at it on Thursday, either. I managed to stay awake and functioning till 5.00, when I finished the story, but then had to collapse onto the settee for a couple of hours whilst everyone else carried on working.

To make it worse - well, a few things made it worse. One was that we ended up missing the print deadline. Around 7.30 we decided - or Lizzie decided, having had more experience of such things than any of the rest of us thanks to doing it all last year with Dan - that if we did make it we wouldn't be doing ourselves justice. No-one was really in a position to put up a good argument. In fact, I could not argue at all, as I couldn't actually speak by then. I could just stare at my computer screen like a zombie and think what a stupid thing it was that I had done.

And then on Friday night it was the SCAN social. I did get a few hours' sleep on Friday afternoon but not enough to make me feel like socialising. I was quite looking forward to the chance to meet lots of new people - it was joint with the radio and TV people - but in the event was fit for absolutely nothing. Not impressed.

We finished up at the Sugarhouse, where they were having some weird wireless disco. Instead of music playing you put on headphones and listened to it through those. It was good because you could actually talk as well as dance, but it just looked so weird to see people dancing to no music. So weird. I was glad I saw it, because it was just surreal, but by about 12.30 I'd had enough. I had to go home because if I hadn't I'd just have ended up killing someone - possibly some drunk randomer who bumped into me (it was odd the way people seemed to lose their sense of direction with headphones on) but more likely someone more directly responsible for me not going to bed on Thursday night, which wouldn't have done us any good ;-)

And then I went and sat in the car park and cried for about ten minutes, which I know was at least 85% down to having no sleep. But the thing is, I've never cared about anything like this before. Till now I've sort of drifted through life, doing things because they were easy and didn't take a lot of effort. Anything bad I had to cope with - I didn't. I just wandered off into my own little world. Even last year that was how I dealt with everything, but now - I can't. I've tried.

And in a way I think all this is incredibly positive. To find something that I really, really enjoy doing and I'm good at - to get to a stage where I'm told I have to write a story because I'm the only one who can - it's very positive after spending five years studying a subject I find vaguely interesting at best. And I know that's my own fault, and that I'm a lot better off doing a PhD than a lot of other things, but still.

But I've promised myself - and this time I really, really mean it - that I'm never spending another night in the SCAN office ;-)

( Wimbledon Photos. Lots of photos )
Goes without saying Joanna took any good ones ;-) And uploading those photos was a lot less painful than I remember it being before... though still pretty tedious.

( The Book Meme )

Why do these things always take so long to fill in?

Stupid Photobucket keeps crashing and won't let me sort out my Wimbledon pictures. Perhaps I killed it trying to upload all 79 at once... though I managed to put them on to Facebook quickly enough.

And it took it long enough to upload them - must have been doing it an hour and a half! I just let it get on with it whilst Mum and I were sorting out a barbeque rota. The barbeque is on Tuesday and for the last few days we've been all OH SHIT WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. We sent out letters so late we'll get hardly any donations, and at least two local schools have events on the same night so that'll decrease our numbers. So I don't think it'll be our best event... it doesn't help that neither me nor Mum can really summon much enthusiasm for it at the minute. Think we've just got tired/pissed off/burned out with Guiding and have had enough for a bit. Usually I enjoy the barbeque but this year... not really.

Can't really find enthusiasm for much at the minute, apart from sitting and feeling sorry for myself. This is a PAIN IN THE ARSE because I have loads of stuff I need to be doing. I need to catch up with work I didn't do through spending two weeks glued to Wimbledon, there's all this BBQ stuff and other Brownie stuff as well, I need to look into the holiday Joanna and I are supposed to be having in September and, if you can believe it, I've got a story to write for SCAN! And there's me thinking I wouldn't have to do any of that till October.

So yeah, I need my backside kicking, really, cause I haven't got time to sit and be miserable. It's not even like it's a one-off. I did the exact same thing four months ago, but over a different guy. It serves me right for being fickle in my affections ;-) At least that time I snapped out of it pretty quickly.

Though for the Random Amusement Factor, Joanna was telling me today about someone she works with who is a huge Star Trek slasher! They were talking about something, I don't know what, and Joanna - why I don't know - said 'It's like slash!' to which this other woman responded 'You know about slash?!?' Because of course you don't often come across people who know about slash in your daily life, and even if you do you don't necessarily recognise them as such. Joanna, of course, was quick to confess that it was her sister who was the slasher, but had quite a chat about it. She said it was really embarrassing. I thought it sounded really funny! I'm hoping there'll be a work party or something I can go to and get to meet this woman ;-)

I shall be glad when it's summer and I have a break from Guiding for a bit. One of the leaders at our unit wants to run a pack holiday next year. Luckily she does not expect me to go on it, and of course I am more than happy to just let her get on with organising it. However, when inviting other leaders to participate she does not do just that - invite them to participate - she decides who she wants and then asks them. And even that wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that she'd quite happily not tell anyone she isn't inviting and just let them find out when it's all up and running. I refuse to let that happen; I am not having anyone on the team thinking things have been planned without them knowing exactly what's going on. So we're going to talk about it at the planning meeting then everyone knows ;-)

As you may have gathered, I do not like it when Guiders make plans and then don't share them with everyone.

Though also, I would never remember it was supposed to be secret, so if I wasn't going to mention it at the meeting I would give the game away anyway. I am useless at remembering what I can talk about and what I can't in situations like this - I'd either forget it was supposed to be secret and start talking about it to someone who shouldn't know or tell a lie and then forget the lie so contradict myself.

Like our Christmas holiday - we have booked to go to Portugal for five days after Christmas. However, we haven't told Grandad yet. Partly because it's Christmas and partly because... long and tedious story... we booked it with some stupid point system of Grandma P's. It happens that Joanna and Paul recently went to stay in the same town we're going to, and when she was telling about it the other week I had to keep stopping myself saying things like 'I'd like to go to the cocktail bar at Christmas' and so on.

Stupid people.

On which happy note, I shall go and send a few emails... see if I can get my act together a bit ;-)

Went to Wimbledon on Friday! Despite various visits in the past for Davis Cup/tours/general Wimbledon appreciation this was the first time I had ever been during the championships to watch tennis, and it was brilliant.

( I Go To Wimbledon )

And now it's all over for another year, which is really sad! The final today was great, though it somehow didn't capture my imagination the way last year's did. I was on the edge of my seat towards the end of the fifth set though!

Hadn't been to London since the end of April, when I went to the Women in Maths day and modelled for Joanna's landlady. It was the longest I'd been without going since the end of last August, and I'd missed it. I even missed Chiswick.

That was the good stuff; other stuff has gone on which is less good. Though after almost twelve months (almost exactly twelve months) it represents me embracing reality for possibly the first time in my life, which I suppose is a positive thing... And I guess it's good I found out now rather than several months down the line, so I've got time to get myself together over the summer, but I'm still sad about all the things I wanted to do that, having worked out the truth in the early hours of this morning, I know I won't be doing.

I think it'll take more than a week and a half, a trip to London and a pair of expensive sunglasses to get over this :-(

To Whom It May Concern

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves...*

Help me to deal with Guiders who piss me off for operating a faulty line of communication, but stop me taking this out on other people whose fault it isn't that I'm up to my neck in Guiding.

Get rid of my PMS, or at least remind me to take evening primrose oil every single day as opposed to just when I remember (which clearly isn't often enough), so I'm no longer a quivering hormonal wreck who's liable to take issues out on people whose fault it isn't etc

Try not to let a combination of extreme heat and an hour of my supervisor's voice send my brain into meltdown so I am unfit to do anything else for the rest of the day.

Help me sort out my love life, especially as regards a certain dense young man who apparently doesn't want to get the hint - you know the one I mean - and stop me being jealous of other girls, especially the ones I know have boyfriends.

Amen Whatever

PS: And if it could be hot at Wimbledon tomorrow that would be great. As I've said before it's always been ridiculously and unseasonably warm when I've been there not to watch tennis; I don't want it to rain when that's what I am there for.

*See A Prayer For The Stressed. It's hilarious.

I am way too PMSsed for Guiders at the minute.

Nearly killed some at the District Meeting this evening. Come the revolution, there's going to be a mass culling ;-)

But seriously, why do they have to take so long discussing things? Why do they have to talk to each other when we're trying to get on and thereby hold the meeting up even more? And why do they have to organise so many fucking events?

Oh yeah, and why am I the only person who seems to be able to operate a line of communication? I tried to make my point about the flower tubs but unfortunately was too pissed off by then to be able to do it in a reasonable manner. When I am slightly less pissed off I am going to email the worst offenders with my issues. I am sorry but this point needs to be made.

I shall just pretend I'm writing a comment piece on a break-down in communication. Then I can be properly scathing without being offensive, which I fear I did not manage tonight. It is not the way to get your points made.

Finally managed to finish comment, and have to conclude it isn't one of my best. Right up to the end I couldn't get the points to work themselves into the right order. Isn't it odd how some subjects you can write about easily and others you really struggle? Thought this would be an easy one too, I worked out the point I wanted to make pretty quickly and everything. I don't think it will be entered into the Guardian Student Media Awards.

But that doesn't matter, because I have written several others to choose from. Yesterday afternoon Joanna, Paul and Catherine's friend Ian sat down, read my comments and chose their favourite three. They all chose the same three. One that I had chosen, one that I was deliberating about and one that I wouldn't have thought of. I think I will go with the majority.

In between finishing my comment I have been trying to get an interview with a Green party candidate for the European Elections. Because the next issue comes out two days before the elections, and because the Students' Union want everyone to go out and vote to stop the BNP getting in, we are doing a big spread on it. This will include interviews with candidates from all the main parties. I did the Tories last week and rang up their press officer to request an interview with their main man. He said he would see what he could do and asked if he could ring me back on my mobile number. I took this to mean that he would find out if the candidate would speak to me and ring me to confirm a time.

The next day the candidate himself rang me. I was not expecting him to ring so had no means of recording our conversation, nor did I have any definite questions to ask him. Fortunately I had looked at his website so had an idea of what he did and managed to make it up as I went along. It certainly wasn't my finest hour as a journalist.

All in all SCAN has not distinguished itself over these interviews. Dan did the Lib Dem candidate, recorded the interview and found his dictaphone hadn't worked. The next day he did the Labour woman and found he'd recorded nothing but white noise. He had to ring them both back and ask to repeat them. Then Liam was actually supposed to be doing the Green party guy but sent me a message today asking if I could do it as he had too much else on. Had he spoken to the press office about an interview or written any questions, I asked him. No. He hadn't. At least this time I knew to be prepared ;-)

Now I just need the guy to ring me back.

The French Open has started! There will be tennis almost constantly on TV from now until the beginning of July! This is something to feel cheerful about. Watched Andy Murray's match today and was pretty impressed. Hope he hasn't peaked too soon ;-) Though I doubt he will make it any further than the semi-finals... unless of course Rafael Nadal breaks both his legs between now and next Friday or something.

Sadly will miss Nadal's first match tomorrow as of course will be participating in usual Whit Monday procession just as he is on court. I doubt he will be there long enough for me to see him.

Weather today was great. Apparently the forecast for tomorrow is now not so good but I refuse to believe it; they seem to have some kind of perverse pleasure in giving really bad forecasts for bank holidays which then turn out to be a load of rot.

Have spent today - the bits of it that didn't involve getting ready for tomorrow - reading up on the report into the 7/7 bombings so as to be able to write comment on it. Alex, the new Comment Editor, asked me yesterday if I could write something and it took the combined efforts of me and Joanna at least five minutes to think of a subject that didn't involve MP expenses.

I quite like having a new comment topic to get my teeth into and have decided the angle I want to take - that in the interests of national security of course MI5 can't give us the gory details but if it's seen to be hidden people will think the worst, spun out over 750 words - but at the minute the points do not seem to be coming out in the order I want to make them, so I have left it and hopefully tomorrow they will behave themselves better.

Joanna has invited Paul to come and experience Whit Monday; she has not told him much about it so he does not view it with any preconceived ideas. Tomorrow afternoon I am going to make them read all my comments so they can decide which three are best, so they can go into the Guardian Student Media Awards.

Last night Joanna and I finally watched Twilight. The best thing I can think of to say about it was that it stuck pretty closely to the book; far more so than the likes of Harry Potter and so on.

( A few thoughts on the Twilight movie... generally not very complimentary ones )

So yes, it wasn't the best film... I guess I'll watch the rest, but I'm not exactly holding my breath.

Have a long list of things I ought to be doing and can't be bothered to do any of them. Can't remember what I was going to write either. Oh well...

Still angry, still pissed off with Guiding. It might sound stupid, getting your knickers in a twist over who's going to water a few flower tubs, but it's the principle of it. If you come up with a plan, however sensible it may be, which involves representatives from all units, you don't decide that that's what's going to happen, agree that your crony will start it off and not tell anyone else about it. You inform everyone of your plan and ask for their opinion before it is implemented, to ensure that a) they all agree and b) they know exactly what's expected of them before they're landed with a job. You do not just say 'this is what's going to happen and this is what you have to do,' especially when it involves people giving up their free time in the holidays.

I am so annoyed I am going to raise this point at the next district meeting. Usually I am too busy writing minutes - a rude and offensive version that is heavily edited before distribution to other Guiders - to contribute much to the discussion, but I am so annoyed about this I have to make my point. Luckily the meeting is not for two weeks so I may be less annoyed by then and will be able to make my point in a calm and civil manner. It may be unacceptable to decide plans and implement them without discussing it, but it's equally unacceptable to shout and be aggressive when arguing against it.

I really do wish there were some things I could throw about and break.

Am not sure how much of the anger/depression is hormone-related, though, so have started taking evening primrose oil in the hope that that might help...

Couple of things made me smile today though:

- Had forgotten completely that the French Open starts on Sunday which OH MY GOD means two weeks on Monday is Queens and the start of the grass-court season once again. Where the hell did all that time go?

- The captain of the table tennis club emailed me to thank me for the report I wrote of their Roses match and to say he thought it was really good. I think he was glad of the publicity; I gathered table tennis does not get a lot. (This may be because it is a very boring sport to watch. Lawn tennis is far superior.) I was pleased my report read well, I was a bit worried about some of my Roses reports because I have never written sports before, but as well as the table tennis captain the sports editor said they were good too, so I was relieved about that.

This may be a fairly simple observation, but it is a lot easier to write a decent match report when a) you understand the rules of the sport in question so you know what's going on and b) you actually watch the match. Oddly enough neither of those points had occurred to me before I went to Roses.

Also... on Monday I went to a read-through of the next Theatre Group pantomime, which is Mother Goose. I went partly because Mum and Dad were both out and I had nothing better to do and partly to see if it was the same version we did when I was about ten. (It wasn't.) I did not go because I planned to be in it, and after the read-through had finished and I was handing my book back to Steve I made this clear.

'Oh, that's a shame,' said Steve. 'I thought you might want to audition for Jill [the principal girl].'
'Well, I would,' said I, 'but I'm going to be News Editor of SCAN and it's going to take a lot of my time.'
'Take a book anyway,' said Steve, 'and an audition form, and think about it.'

So I took the book, and the form, and I have thought about it, but I can't do it. I don't want to clog up that many nights. I didn't miss it at all in High Society, and I suspect I'll never move forwards properly with anything until I have fully disentangled myself from Theatre Group. I was tempted, but only because I was flattered that it was hinted strongly that if I were to audition for the part I would get it.

Five years ago I'd have been ecstatic to be in this situation. Isn't it ironic that you never get things until you don't want them any more... or perhaps that, on getting them, you realise they weren't all they were cracked up to be after all.